Trash Talking and You

Trash Talking Online these days seems to go hand in hand with gaming itself, it's as if the recipe given to gamers is formed in such a fashion with the maturity level of most gamers today(myself included) the only possible outcome is trash talking.

1part competitive gaming
1/2cup Microphone
3parts Bored gamers with nothing of value to say

Now I don't want to bash trash talking too much because I consider it to be an art form of sorts,a time killer, a demonstration of wits or a pre-game competition in itself. Who ever can come up with the best insult or most interesting way to inform the other player that they are bad at the game before even previewing the opponents actual skill level wins.
A few things during trash talking however that should be memorized like your grandmother memorized her bible, lest you want to look like an angry 11 year old, or make the room think you have little to no intelligence.

AVOID THE UNORIGINAL.
"Your a fag" and "Shut the F*&K up" will get you torn up by a veteran trash talker like myself.
In fact when I go into a pre game lobby conversing with my team mates and some guy randomly says "STFU" thinking hes cool or funny, He becomes my target for the whole game, I honestly do this EVERY TIME someone starts off with stfu.(i have problems)
Keep in mind I play gears of war 2, a quick explanation to clarify how the game works.
No respawns, when you die you go to the DEAD ROOM, where you can chat with anyone else on EITHER TEAM who is DEAD, until the round ends. Which can last up to 5 minutes.

So as I was saying when a player opens with something as weak as STFU, I make them my best "friend" for the game, I inform them that they are now my best friend and continue talking to them, quickly without pause jumping from topics such as "hows the weather" to "why's your mother so easy?" never actually allowing them to answer, every now and then prompting my victim to "tell me to stfu again". In which case he either does or says nothing. If the opponent does repeat STFU then I continue with my reign of online abuse while adding an extra level of hostility in my topics, they would now vary from "why don't your parents don't love you? is it because your obese?" to "wow I thought someone as tough as you would be good at this game". Important to note that also I hunt down this player in game when I can't speak to him, kill him, then kill myself(only to be done when playing with a team you know can still deliver the win) so I can continue to taunt him the entire round. Every time I do this the game ends in 3 possible results.
1-The opponent ceases to speak, in which case I ask them "you told us/me to STFU but now your the one not talking, why is that?"
2- They quit, in which case I MAY send them a text over Xbox live asking "what did you learn?"
or 
3- They speak up, trying to make a verbal comeback but it always ends with them making loud noises in a feeble attempt to over compensate for their lacking ability to think of anything good to say.

Which brings me to my next point.
LOUD NOISES MAKE YOU LOOK SLOW.
If you are in a verbal combative situation online against a person who is hitting you with witty comments that pack enough insult to sting your pride and you are unable to find the words to defend yourself, the worst thing you can do is begin making loud obnoxious sounds. It is affective in respect that your verbal assaulter will not be able to get a word in to continue bashing you, however they no longer need to, congratulations you are now giving off the impression of a child screaming at the top of its lungs in a store, Even the friends you came into the game with are annoyed with you for offending their eardrums. Loud noises are to be avoided.

NEVER USE REAL LIFE THREATS.
If you are sitting on your sofa in your underwear playing video games you are in no position to "kick anyones ass" so don't claim you will over the mic. Threats are overused by people who cannot actually fight or lift anything heavier than their remote and everyone knows it. The moment you threaten someone over the internet you are given a face, and its the face of a 15 year old skinny kid with acne and braces, no matter how deep your voice is. There are no win for this situation either, if you offer a threat knowing you will never have the consequence of having to actually fight, the opponent being fully aware of the lack of consequence himself will 90% answer "BRING IT ON". On the bright side you now BOTH have the same acne covered 15 year face with braces to anyone listening in. Be aware that variation to threats have the same effect. "If i saw you on the street I would run you over" has the same result as "I will come to your house and fight you" if you use this you will be this guy...

Resized to 94% (was 750 x 600) - Click image to enlarge

However have found a way to effectively use threats to your advantage
My trademark threat is - "I will come to your house and give you a puppy, a cute 1, and a few years later when you are attached to it I will come back and kill it!!" But that's a form of using humor as a weapon which I will touch on later. 

USE LOGIC.
This is very simple, Stay withing the bounds of reality and stay on topic as often as possible.
Although it is true that a random off topic comment can disorient your opponent.
Ex: "wow you are really bad at this game"
"I'm sorry to hear about your mom getting shanked in prison"
It is to be used in moderation, and only when appropriate, if used too often or done wrong you will lose the perception of being intelligent and will give your combatant the perception of being "out of your IQ league". Don't fret dumb dumb, we all make mistakes. 

DO NOT BE A RACIST.
Everyone knows a funny joke about another race, they are offensive, rude and funny as all hell. Racist jokes are great between friends, no matter what race you are or what race you are talking about, as long as the joke is actually, you know funny. However in a game lobby with strangers informing the other person that they are a "racial slang word that negatively depicts their skin color, origins and/or religion" is NOT funny, is LOW and does more damage to your cause then it does good. Over Xbox live or PSN you have no face, you are perceived by your voice and the words you choose to share. These are the building blocks others use to "see" you. Dropping the N-Bomb on someone will instantly give the impression that you hail from a prestigious line of obese inbred greasy hicks with a strong family name in the trailer park community. Also this actually gives the person of other race the advantage, they can now turn around use their own racial stereotypes against the racist,(I wont give any examples but I'm sure you can think of something) and anyone in the game who does not own a KKK outfit will be drawn to take the "racial victims" side, even if they don't say anything. 
NOTE: If you are called something racist NEVER turn around and use that persons race against them as a comeback. It's as useful as "you" - "no you" and will rally anyone of that race against you, naturally defending they're own race or beliefs or what ever. You see this all the time in North America vs UK players. 

BE ABLE TO BACK IT UP.
Believe it or not I don't go into a game talking trash, I usually wait for someone to instigate it because honestly I'd rather have a nice conversation paired with a fun game instead of back and forth banter turning the game into a grudge match.
However If I were to go into a game trash talking I would feel confident in doing so because of the level of skill I possess in the game I am playing. 

I never(well maybe sometimes) trash talk in MW2 because I'm simply not good enough at the game to back myself up. No matter how good my insults are at the start of the game, if my team loses the other person wins the verbal altercation, even if they are going against every rule I am posting in this blog, game skill > verbal/trash talking skill. No matter what you throw at them it is all deflected and countered by the fact that they are better than you. There is a gray area however if your team wins but you are lower on the scoreboard than the other person. 

REMAIN CALM.
It will happen often that you run into someone that gets under your skin, either due to them being annoying, better than you at the game or even very good at trash talking. When this happens you must remain calm at all times, never show your anger or frustration. If you are boiling up inside and your face is turning red it is better to say nothing than an ill conceived weak comment that can easily be turned back against you. Wait until you get your chance to get back into the fight by either killing them in game and tea bagging them and then rubbing it in their face, or getting the win. If need be count to ten, take a deep breath and try to restart from scratch. If you start yelling at them I guarantee you will be met with the same response every time, laughter and shame. The fashion in which they dish out this laughter will differ from person to person ranging from "haha ok calm down kid" to "woooow spaz much?" to "omg look at this guy" to straight up laughing in your "face". No matter what words they choose, you can always HEAR the smile on their face and the chuckle behind the words. Either way if you have been upset enough to lose your cool, you have lost. Because ultimately the whole point of an online argument is to reach one of 2 goals, being right or affecting the emotions of another in a negative way. So remain calm, it's better to say nothing then to flip out. Live to fight another day.

BE FUNNY.
You don't have to be blunt or offensive to win an online argument, in fact these are by far some of the least affective ways to verbally subdue your opponent, It is the equivalent of going punch for punch, you just keep going until 1 person is too tired or too hurt to continue, work smart not hard. Using humor is like going punch for punch using each joke as a heavy haymaker to the jaw,nose or throat. Humor is a sign of intelligence and key to winning any online word based first fight. If you use observations about the other player followed with a twist of phrase or a punch line people will laugh and they will be laughing at your enemy, with each laugh you are growing favor of the "crowd" and pushing the other guy deeper into his online trash talking grave. What's more is when people are laughing at him he will get frustrated and turn to one of the "DO NOT DO RULES" from this blog, he will use racism, spew loud noises to "silence" you, or flip out.
Meaning you have broken him. Pat yourself on the back and get ready for some bad profile feedback, you win.

Now I hope these help to step up your online pre-game trash talking skills but remember the words of a wise old man.

"Winning an online argument is equivalent to winning the special Olympics, you may have won but your still retarded"